Inget waktu aku bilang ada sisi diriku yang nggak bisa kubagi dengan siapa pun di dunia nyata kecuali orang-orang tertentu? Well... belakangan ini sisi tersebut udah terlalu lama dipendam dan sekarang ada sesuatu yang perlu dikeluarkan.
Untuk alasan tertentu, mohon maaf atas penggunaan bahasa campuran karena, damn it, the English vocab is way more expressive.
I'm perfectly aware this is a public blog which means anyone can read it if they ever found out about the URL. And even if I've never mentioned my name here, it's not like it's a huge secret either. But whatever. I need to let this out and I left my diary back home. And I don't feel comfortable dumping my drama on the people I trust not to judge (because I'm not sure they want to hear it). And maybe a part of me is also hoping that by putting this out in the open like this, then one of the people involved in the drama will read it and know the truth about what I think.
It's been a few long years filled with drama at home. It's partially (or largely, I suspect) why I fled all the way across the world. I was tired of being miserable. I couldn't live in that hell anymore. It's not my problem, and I'm young. I'm not supposed to live like that. I'm supposed to live my own life, discover myself and all that bullshit, carpe diem, and be happy.
Which I did since I got here, so that was the right decision. Maybe I should thank the drama after all since it propelled me to leave.
But anyway, the point is, my parents are not in a good place. I'm not going to into details about their drama, but suffice it to say they hate each other these days. And today I got news that they're not even talking anymore, and they're even sleeping in different rooms.
It's news like this that makes me want to beg and plead my way out of my home country and stay here forever and ever. This is my happy place.
But that's not the thing that infuriates me the most. What makes me most frustrated is the phrase that has been uttered over and over again during the whole time this happened: that I am supposed to be their salvation. People keep saying I'm the only one who can fix this situation, who can return peace into our home, who can make my parents see the light.
Well, GUESS WHAT, WORLD? I'M NOT A FUCKING MESSIAH.
I can't solve your problems. It's YOUR problem. It's YOUR drama. Why the F should I involve myself in it. Why the F should I have to be the one to fix it. THIS MAKES NO SENSE. They are my parents. Maybe they should help me fix my problems, but it isn't the other way around. They're grown ass people. They're supposed to KNOW BETTER. They're supposed to be wiser. To place this burden on me like so many people have is fucking unfair.
What if I don't want to 'save' my family? What if I'd rather they get separated and be happy each with their own lives? Nobody has ever asked me that. Of course not. Of course everyone assumed that I wanted us to stay a family. But guess what? This may come as a shock, but there's no point in keeping up the illusion if nobody's actually happy. Maybe it's time to cut our losses and give up. Maybe it's past saving. Maybe we'll ALL be MUCH HAPPIER if we were NOT together.
Did they ever think of that?
Of course not.
It is times like these that I wish we weren't a bunch of people stuck in old principles and ideas about love and family. Because let's face it; the love's gone. It has been gone for a long time. And maybe nothing will ever bring it back. And sometimes, you just have to accept it and move on. Sometimes, you're not meant to keep fighting. Because it'll only make things worse.
If the choice were to stick to your 'obligation' and stay together for the sake of image or pride or whatever or do what needs to be done so you can be free and happy, why the hell would anyone pick the former? I'm a hopeless romantic, and even I can see that this situation is not salvageable. You can't force someone to love you if they don't anymore.
Or maybe I'm just a cynic and a pessimist.
But I'm also realistic. I know one of them is not the kind of people who believe in divorce, but it's not like they haven't done it before. If it was so easy the first time, why is it so hard now? It's not like their kids are all still young. We're all grown ass adults too now. One of us is married. I'm the youngest and I'm a freaking quarter of a century old. So what, I ask again, is the point of staying together?
No one's going to get beaten up over it. I suspect I will actually throw a celebration if they finally did it.
For God's sake. It's all very simple to me, but people are being ridiculously idealistic and I'm just so angry. I'm not even sad or upset anymore. I'm freaking FURIOUS over this whole situation.
Sort your stuff out; you're all behaving like children. And I thought you're supposed to be the parents.
No love,
- Your apparently much more mature daughter
And this is my truth. I've finally set it free.
Judge me for that all you like, I don't even effing care anymore.
1 comments:
Hey girl. Sorry to hear that, and it sucks doesn't it? I know that there is nothing I can do right now to make it easier for you, but if there's anything I could do, let me know. And you know how to find me.
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